A spoof on Eighteen Dragon Subduing Palms, from the Jin Yong novel Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils.
Rough translation of some of the eighteen moves are as follows, from a Baidu Zhidao article (the Chinese version of Yahoo Answers):
OP: Urgent!!!!!!!!!!!! Need the Eighteen Pervert Subduing Palms (Waiting online)
A friend wants them.
Best Answer:
1) Grabbed by the neck by someone from behind.
Defusal techniques: Grab the hand they’re choking you with one hand, drop down and turn around simultaneously, press your other elbow to their neck, throw them down and sit on their stomach, forming a 十 shape. This is known as the Strong Ten-Shape.
Note: When you use the Strong Ten on someone, not only can they not move, it’ll hurt to breathe too. According to instructorS, if you continue for longer than 30 seconds, it could lead to the other party emptying their bowels.
2) Grabbed by the necklace from the front.
Defusal techniques: Grab the hand on the necklace, lock it to your stomach and pull their arm, while using your other hand to hit their weak spot.
Note: This will cause the opponent to kneel on the ground. Follow up by quickly pushing down their head to your knee, with enough strength you can subdue them in one blow.
3) Grabbing earring.
Defusal techniques: Use the hand on the other side [of the earring being grabbed]to grab the hand on the earring, on one hand giving you a fulcrum [for attack], on the other to prevent them from injuring your ear. Simultaneously bring your other arm up to pin theirs, using the elbow and the forearm to apply pressure to the opponent’s forearm.
Note: Now they should let go and also will kneel down.
4) Grabbing bracelet.
Defusal techniques: When they grab your bracelet, quickly grab their arm with your free hand. Pay attention to the details, your thumb should be on the back of their hand between the pinkie and ring finger, and the remaining four fingers should be outside their palm. At the same time, push your other elbow against the opponent’s shoulder and twist their arm.
Note: Your opponent’s arm will hurt and they will fall, let go of your bracelet, and you can also follow up by pushing their head down and bringing your knee up.
5) Grabbing hair from the front.
Defusal technique: Grab the opponent’s wrist with one hand and press it against your head, stoop, use your other hand to pull their fingers back, while your head should be as low as possible, the lower the better.
Note: The opponent should have been brought to the ground with you, whether you want to run or continue with a knee is up to you.
6) Grabbed by the upper arm.
Defusal technique: Quickly turn your arm and grab theirs, pinning it under your armpit, pinning their joint and exerting pressure with your forearm and upper arm.
Note: This will immobilize their arm and pressure it. You can follow up with a knee.
7) Someone laces their fingers through yours from behind.
Defusal technique: First bring their hand closer and hold it tight, then use your upper arm to block their elbow and pin it against your waist. Clamp your fingers down on their knuckles and pull their palm back while simultaneously pulling their fingers up.
Note: This way they will definitely release you, but it has special requirements. Their arm must be in front of them to work.
8) Being grabbed by the collar from behind.
Defusal technique: Quickly turn your body, push your forearm against their elbow, and kick them in the stomach or in the crotch.
Note: Now they are occupied and not facing you, quickly escape.
9) Grabbed by the shoulder from behind… (TL/N: Yeah, I got lazy and sick of typing various parts of the arm.)
10) When your mouth is covered from behind…
11) Grabbed by the upper arms…
12) Hugged by the waist from the front…
13) Being hugged by the waist from behind…
14) When someone blocks you with their legs…
15) When someone grabs your chin with one hand and presses your neck with the other…
16) They approach you slowly from the front…
17) Being picked up by someone…
18) Being blocked by someone against something…
Please accept [this answer]!!!
The names are a hell lot more practical than Qiao Feng’s. What do you think, ladies?
Potatoes Have Eyes But Cannot See Mt. Tai 
AWESOME!! lol.
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